The Freak Show

Yes, this is a story about an actual watch. And yes, I know that nowadays it's only old fogeys like me who actually wear a wristwatch (as opposed to pulling out their smartphone) to make sure they're on time for stuff.

Anyway, this relates to the watch I received as a long-service award for 30 years in the federal public service. That was around the time my position was eliminated and they gave me some busy-work for a couple more years until I retired for good.

It's a Birks watch that runs on a battery. Back in 2007, I would go into a Birks store whenever the battery went dead, and the Birks Folks would give me the royal treatment. They'd offer me some bottled water and invite me to browse all the merchandise I probably wouldn't have been able to afford until I got my 40- or 50-years-of-service award, then spirit my watch down to their workshop to change the battery, reset the time and date and buff it up so it looked all shiny and new, emerging 5 or 10 minutes later to return my watch. No charge.

Around 10 years ago, that ended. There was still no charge to change the battery but instead of changing it on the spot, they had to send the watch to some central location (possibly in Montreal?) and contact me a few weeks later when it was ready for pickup.

Determined to continue taking advantage of this perpetual battery deal, I went with the flow. However, this demanded that I get myself a back-up watch to wear during those weeks that my Birks Watch was incommunicado. But wouldn't it be awful if Backup Watch was dependent on a battery too, and Birks Watch Battery and Backup Watch Battery failed at the same time?

Undaunted, I went to The Bay (maybe you've heard of them?) and bought myself a solar- and light-powered watch that needed no battery and no winding. At that time, they actually had on-site jewellers at The Bay who ensured the watch was working properly and removed several links in the bracelet for me, as I have a rather small wrist.

So when Birks Watch's battery failed recently, I put on Backup Watch. That was fine at first, except that the little pin attaching the watch-face to the bracelet fell out and got lost. Luckily I noticed when this happened, so I still had the watch. I put it into my pocket temporarily - which is not ideal for a watch that's powered by light - but fortunately it's still getting adequately fed and is keeping good time for me.

As another little wrinkle, I dug out a really old wind-up watch from a drawer. It still runs, but it doesn't keep good time - it runs unacceptably slow.

Anyway, today I took Birks Watch to Birks in the Rideau Centre. The salesperson politely informed me that their policies had recently changed again, and there was now a $25 charge to replace the battery. I was annoyed but knew it was not her fault. And to be fair, that now-dead battery had lasted well over two years, so if they were going to replace it with one as good as its predecessor, that didn't seem like such a bad deal.

Next step: Ms. Saleswoman asked me to produce a receipt or proof of purchase to show I had in fact bought the watch from them. I told her I had never even had one, as it was gifted to me as a long-service award. Though honestly, I'm pretty sure the watch has Birks written right on the watch face, so that should have been at least a good clue.

That was OK, she said, but did I know roughly the age and value of the watch? Well, I knew the age fairly accurately. I had no idea how much the Government of Canada had paid for it, but I seemed to recall that the last time I needed the battery changed, they had assigned it a value of $200.

So we filled out the requisite form together, I signed on the dotted screen with my fingernail, and she said she was e-mailing me a copy. Could I just check now that it was in my e-mail, in case there were technical problems?

Well, no. I do have a cell phone of sorts, but I don't do e-mail on it. She wrote her name down on a little card and told me to phone her if I didn't receive a copy, so that she could then re-send it. I didn't have to pay the $25 up front.

I got home, and fortunately the e-mail message and copy of the form were there.

What a rigamarole! I still haven't decided what I'll do next time the battery dies.